Kent Nerburn~ Until you have a son of your own... you will never know the joy, the love beyond feeling that resonates in the heart of a father as he looks upon his son. You will never know the sense of honor that makes a man want to be more than he is and to pass something good and hopeful into the hands of his son. And you will never know the heartbreak of the fathers who are haunted by the personal demons that keep them from being the men they want their sons to be.

Robert Frost~ The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother's always a democrat.

Anne Sexton~ It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.

Marlene Dietrich~ A king, realizing his incompetence, can either delegate or abdicate his duties. A father can do neither. If only sons could see the paradox... they would understand the dilemma.

I have had to think about this for awhile. I still haven’t come up with a definitive answer. I probably never will. There are true mysteries in this life. There is seemingly no rhyme or reason to them. I believe there is an order to the Universe. I believe in a Supreme Power (I call Him God) that holds it all in place. Good, bad, indifferent, everything happens for a reason. I just don’t have much patience with extended explanations.

The Friday night of our family reunion was a great time. That first night is always full of how beautiful the kids are, how tall they have grown, ect. My pups thrive under that kind of attention. Everyone does. The perk to being from such a large family is, you get to hear it from a whole bunch of people in a very short period of time.

After the Friday night “doin’s” we went back to our motel. My pups were basking in the glow of the evening. It was the first time that we had met one of my Aunties husbands and what a great Guy He was. I don’t know Him well enough to determine if He is a true Fox or not, but for the weekend, He sure was.

My son loves basketball. Aunties Foxy Man played basketball with Chris and chatted with Him most of the weekend. Here was a Guy, willing to spend some time, with a kid He didn’t know.

We were all chilling out in the motel room and Christian started talking about the evening. How nice it was to see everyone. He said something that my mom had said at home just a few days before we went to the reunion. “Most people don’t understand us, but that’s ok. This is my family and no matter what, this will always be my family. I love all of you better than anything in the world.” Caits was sitting beside Him and He leaned over, kissed her, and told her He loved her.

Hannah started crying and He said, “Aw, come here baby. I love you too.” She went to Him and He sat her on His lap and held her as she cried and spoke soft soothing words of love to her. Cait reached over and took my hand and we all hugged and cried together. It was a cleansing kind of cry. No matter what the stresses of these teen years are, there is the hope that true love sustains.

One of my cousins is married to Mr.-Darn-Near-As-Perfect-A-Fox-As-I-Think-Anyone-Is-Ever-Going-To-Find. For me to say that, you know He had to have seriously impressed me. My cousins father passed on when she was very young. Her mother (another one of the vixen Aunties) is a Pinnacle Vixen. She’s right up there at the top. When Her husband passed, she never remarried and she raised her pups alone. All three of her pups are happy, successful people. She did an awesome job.

As soon as Mr. Darn-Near saw my mother, He came over, plopped in the chair beside her, and said, “I have a favor to ask of You. I need Your help in acquiring something.” The ‘something’ that He wanted to acquire is my deceased Uncles vintage Plymouth. The last He knew, my father had it. He doesn’t anymore, but my mother told Him who she thinks does have it. The reason that He wants it, is so that He can restore it, and it will be available to His wife, her mother and her sister. I just stared at Him in awe when He said that. My mom laughed and said, “I believe You have just achieved Fox status.”

When they left that night, I was in my truck getting some things around. Mr. & Mrs. Darn-Near were racing each other down the drive way, their two teen age sons walking behind them ignoring their parents antics. When they reached the end of the drive, He picked her up and hugged her tightly, kissing her. They didn’t look like an “old married couple”. They looked like two teens that had just fallen in love. That’s what tells the story. It’s that look couples exchange when no one else is looking. It was awesome. I was so happy for her. She deserves to have a true-blue dyed in the wool Fox.

The next night, Mr. Darn-Near had a heart to heart talk with Caits about a few things. I watched the look on her face and listened to the tone of His voice, during the conversation. She really listened to Him. Here was a Man, taking the time to talk to her. One on One. Not talk down, not yell, not berate. Talk. I saw respect on her face. Something very very rare for her. I was truly impressed.

What clinched His induction into the Foxes Hall of Fame was this. We were right down the road from the Buick Classic. Mr. Darn-Near had two tickets to have lunch with, Tiger Woods. Yup, that’s right, Tiger Woods the Golf Guru. He gave the tickets away. It was more important to spend time with family, than go to meet Tiger Woods. Now tell me the Man is not Honest-To-God Fox material.

I realized something that night. It was a painful realization, yet something I think I have known for quite awhile. I went to the “upper garden” that my precious Auntie had created to think. My mother lost her mother when she was five years old, in a car accident. She was 23 years old. She lived with her grandmother because her father wasn’t emotionally equipped to raise his daughter.

My cousins lost their father, when they were very young. I have met so many people that for one reason or another, have been fatherless. Whether they have physically or emotionally become removed from their children’s lives, it is a devastating thing. Time passes and it’s a scarcer commodity than we realize.

My son came to me one night last week, having a “moment”. This tall handsome young man sat in my lap while I rocked Him and cried like a broken hearted toddler. The weekend before His dad had picked him up and spent the day with him with friends at the lake. He said that they had thrown a football together and while they were doing it, He was thinking, “this is what it is supposed to be like.” It’s both a curse and a blessing. This is probably one of the few positive memories that He holds. On the other hand, it’s one more than a lot of people have. Having a taste of how things “could be” leaves the soul unsatisfied. It always leaves one wanting more.

As he cried, He told me how much he loved me, that I’m the one person that He can talk to about anything. He feels the same way about my dad and mom. Especially my dad. He said His PawPaw is the one man that He truly wants to grow up to be like. He has set the standard, He is the example. He wants to make Him so proud that it hurts Him when He feels like He falls short of it. Sometimes its hard to remember that He’s only fourteen. He’s still a little boy in so many ways.

Caits came to me last night crying. I’m not sure if this is a phase of the moon or what. She had been having a conversation with a friend of hers and she said she got up and left during the conversation, because she had something to tell me that just couldn’t wait. She apologized to me for the way she treats me so much of the time. She said the conversation made her realize just how much I have done for them, how much I have sacrificed for them. When I’m seemingly hard, it’s because I need to be. No matter how much we might fuss, there is a very deep love here.

People see what they want to see. If they want to see the heartbreak, that’s what they will see. The mistakes of the past are just that, the past. I’m not a dad and God knows I have no clue what goes on inside the cranial cavities of men. What I do see is the void that they leave, when they abdicate their positions. I have listened to grown men and women cry over the wishes of their hearts that surround parents that have abdicated their roles.

No matter how much we want to blame all of our social ills on the President, the Republicans, Hollywood, drugs, alcohol, preservatives in our food, #3 red dye, the diminishing ozone, it is the absence of sense of security and belonging in our children. They need to know their champions are fighting for them.

In the Hounds pursuit of vixen, there are little noticed casualties. She’s not the only one looking for a champion to love her. If she’s suffering from abuse and/or neglect, you can darn well lay odds, that her pups suffer as well.

Every now and again, you hear a tale of a Champion, with the courage to seek the rewards of deep meaningful relationships. Hounds stay in the hunt, even though it leaves them unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

There will always be a sense of incompleteness in my pups. I grieve that more than I can express. It is something that they will have to accept and spend every day working through. They come from strong stock and have people that love and support them.

No matter how hard we try, we cannot fill a void that someone else has created. All we can do is try and fill it with other things. The fit isn’t perfect, but at least it’s worth a try. I thought I would have to wait twenty years to hear the things that my pups have told me over these last few weeks. It doesn’t mean that we will live in Utopia from here on out. It does make me realize that the maturing process is kicking in and we are at least headed in the right direction.

Hang in there vixens. There is always a brighter day on the horizon. Strength, courage, stubbornness, faith, hope and love are all the tools you need.

Til next time.... Love, sassy v

© sassy vixen 1 2005

Incomplete~ Backstreet Boys

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

Chorus:
I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby, it's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

(Repeat chorus)

I don't mean to drag it on,
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

(Repeat chorus)

...Incomplete